We recently put up a hammock on our little balcony. It’s not a lie-down one, rather the kind of hammock meant for one person (and a second very small person), and the hammock can then be stretched across so you can lounge in comfort. It’s not very often I get to sit in it, and today is definitely not one of those moments of relaxation – the clouds are dark, the wind is strong and brings about a chill that I feel in my bones and I feel like having a cup of soup and getting under the covers. But the real reason that I don’t lounge in it as often as I should, is that when I’m in it, I feel a little guilty. Like there’s a million other things I should be doing rather than just taking in the view of the mountains and the water and taking a moment to myself.

Every Time I use the words should or guilt then I know I’m in trouble. Should is a word I am constantly trying to tear out of my vocabulary, and it has worked many a time.

The shoulds that have plagued me before:

 - I should be married.
 - I should be working.
 - I shouldbe excercising.

And the shouldn’ts:

 - I shouldn’t eat this extra slice of cake.
 - I shouldn’t be blogging right now.
 - I shouldn’t be thinking about vacations at a time like this.

I have slowly worked many shoulds out of my system. After the realisation that shoulds are merely ideas that have become traditional-ised into every one’s minds but aren’t necessarily applicable to all, well that kind of says it right there. They are ideas and not facts, and if it’s not something that is meant to be helpful, than what is it there for?

I should get a real breast exam one day. I should get my skin tested for cancer.

Those types of thoughts are real, serious, ones that are helpful. But who decided that I should or should not have more kids? Isn’t that a personal choice? Where I work, play, eat or go in my life – that’s all up to me.

While growing up and going through the stages of your life (committed relationships/marriages/children/careers/school) there will be people all around you giving you unsolicited advice, telling you what you should and should not do. How you should raise your child, what you should eat to lose those last 10 pounds, that you shoulddiscover your love languages in order for your marriage to work.

These are all personal choices that we give away freely when we agree with the shoulds.

The second you tell yourself, ‘I should raise my child according to this type of parenting style’ you are setting yourself up for failure. This is twice as hard when what worked with the first child doesn’t have a hope of working with the second – I see this again and again: ‘She should be crawling at this age, her older sister was…’  I see this all the time, and all it leads to is failure, according to you. Had there been no should then you would just realise that each person is different and works according their own schedule.

To quote Samantha Jones & Carrie Bradshaw:

As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.

So where does this leave me?

In a hammock on a cold day. Hot tea and a good book and a blanket.

Because it’s seriously chilly out today.

xoxo

Fab Brunette

What are the ‘shoulds’ that keep you from living  your life at its’ fullest?