Hoping For a Fresh Start. Now.
I started this blog about six months ago, and for six whole months, I’ve bemoaned my lack of weightloss to a point that could become annoying. I weighed myself weekly, congratulated myself on a pound of weightloss and then became depressed when two weeks later I gained back 3 pounds. The ups and downs would get to me, I would get no where – I started limiting my food, but then at night would binge on cookies or cupcakes or pizza – the emotional eater in me excitedly came out at night. I would congratulate ‘good’ behaviour with shopping, food, shoes, and then allow myself to indulge in sugary foods and suddenly would gain another 5 pounsd and I’d freak out. Completely lose it on myself.
Meanwhile my waist size has grown bigger, my body is so out of shape I can barely do sit ups, and I’ve become more and more down on myself because of it. I look around and see all these thin women, ladies who are in shape, who excercise, eat well, and look great. I, on the other hand, would jump on the scale, see the numbers rising, tell myself I was having a ‘bloated’ day and reach for another cookie.
I would get in such an emotional upheaval, my body image suffering constantly, never feeling good enough to do anything, go anywhere, and it became too much for me.
I’ve decided I can no longer do this to myself.
I can’t keep going on the scale and posting numbers for all to see. It doesn’t keep me in check anyway, so what’s the point. And these numbers don’t really mean anything – I know that when I previously lost weight with a personal trainser, I had a considerable amount of muscle on me. I know that when you work out you will never be as light as a scrawny girl – weight is just a number, it doesn’t factor into what you look like or what body type you have.
In highschool I weighed between 120 to 130 pounds, I was never truly fit because I never actually worked out. But I was a slim girl, yet all though high school I complained about how fat I was. Seriously. Through college I was about the same. I wasn’t toned and taut, but I was 125 and I still felt fat.
I met J my second year of college, and after wining, dining, and going out with him for about 3 months, I had gained 15 – 20 pounds, just as he did. I was wavering between 140 and 145 and my skinny pants no longer fit. Slowly but surely I my weight went up to about 150 pounds, which for a girl standing 5’8″ isn’t bad, but I had no muscle on me, just flab, and I was upset about it, not enough to do anything about it though.
I was 155 pounds when I found out I was pregnant. And then gained 50 pounds.
That’s right, 5 0.
My doctor was awesome though, because she said it was healthy, she said I was tall, this is what the baby wanted – unlike my girlfriends’ doctors who put them on ‘strict’ diets while pregnant so they wouldn’t gain too much weight. I would burst into tears if my doctor ever did that. And then I’d change doctors. Anyway -
After pregnancy I lost about 30 pounds in one month, I was about 170 pounds after that. And then kinda stayed between 165 – 170 for a long time. Until I got a personal trainer. And dieted. And within 2 months I was down to 150 pounds, fit, my hips no longer exploding, my thighs were slim – I loved it!
J & I went on vacation, and after we came back, we no longer felt the need to workout, we felt we looked good, what was the point of sweating at the gym when we were perfect? We slowly started eating more and more fattening food, always late at night – pizza, chicken wings, beer. This is where I also went through a purging stage where I would throw up maybe once or twice a week after a big meal. Healthy right?
I eventually stopped purging, started getting over the fact that we were getting fat again, and pushed all that to the back of my mind. Instead, I just continued eating. I was bored, upset, and stupid.
Now I sit here, at 170 pounds again, depressed, fat, and annoyingly self-involved about it. So I decided to free my mind of this poison, this crazy thing in my head that says I “need” to be thin, that I need to look hot, FUCK YOU weight loss. That’s what I’m saying.
I’ve had enough. I’m fed up with counting calories. Trying to find the soup with the least amount of fat in it. Only to eat 3 slices of pizza after. I’ve become bitter. I just can’t keep doing this.
I need to start fresh.
I am going to look at food differently. I am not going to weight myself. Or measure myself. I just don’t care anymore.
I will eat food that’s fresh, healthy, eat as much or as little as I feel I need. I will listen to my body and see what I need. If I’m truly not hungry, if I’m just bored, then I won’t eat. I won’t stop by Starbucks for that extra non-fat green tea latte before bed. It hurts my tummy anyway.
I have to go back to basics on this one.
Try to excercise 3 times a week.
Add veggies to my meals.
Listen to my body.
Do yoga.
Meditate.
Think before I eat.
Chew every morsel thoughtfully.
Strive to live like this everyday.
No more grab and go. No more eating from feeling gulty, pressured, bored, emotional, or vengeful. No more laziness. No weighing, measuring, and stressing about how my pants fit.
I just need to stop it all.
And start anew.
Wish me luck.
xoxo
Fab Brunette
ps. You can reach me at my new email: hi@fabbrunette.com.
pps. Weigh-In Wednesdays is crap blogging material anyway. You won’t miss much 
29 Responses to “Hoping For a Fresh Start. Now.”
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Fab Brunette loves cupcakes and Paris, high heels and pearls. Dreams of travel, cooks in Manolos, and writes with her heart.
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Good for you! I wish you all the luck..I know you can do it. I cannot stand when something is labeled as “diet.” Crash diets don’t work…it’s a lifestyle change, something permanent. You’ve just taken the first step! Congrats!
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I’ll be more than happy to be your accountability buddy. I need to loose 45 more pounds to reach my goal weight. We can do it chica! Mind over matter. No sweat no gain. All of those quotes now apply to us. Twitter me or email me whenever you need a pick me up. Stay focused! You are going to succeed amiga. I know it!
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You are beautiful. I think you’re on the right track. I have weighed myself in ages and when I go to the doctors I ask to not be told. I have been losing weight, slowly but surely by just watching what I eat, getting more exercise, and making a lot healthier choices. I’ve gone down a couple sizes in clothes. I made the decision earlier in the year that I need to be healthier not thin.
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You took the first step and joined a gym. Once you started working out and feeling good, you won’t want to eat the junk stuff. I am just like you in that I love late night snacking. I will have Starbucks in the morning, not eat all day and then junk food binge at night. I am trying to lose 7-10 pounds but I need to take that first step on getting my butt in shape. I am so unfit.
Kudos to you for setting goals for yourself. Now you just have to strive to reach them. Good luck!
P.S. I remember when I first met you, when you dropped off the cupcakes, I was shocked at how beautiful you are. (I guess I had envisioned someone else behind Le Petit Cupcakery)
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Good luck with your new plan! You seem really determined so I think you’ll see good results. =) It’s good that you’re leaning towards a healthy lifestyle because it can get really addicting.
I’m currently working out 5-6 times a week (I honestly LOVE going to the gym) and eating whatever I want (I’m Asian so I eat A LOT of carbs) yet I’m still losing weight. The only trick is that I eat in moderation and I eat small meals throughout the day so I don’t get super hungry and pig out. I don’t think you should be too strict on yourself diet-wise or else you’ll make it harder for yourself to stay motivated. You can eat healthy 75% of the time and indulge in what you want 25% of the time in a week… I think that works really well and weight loss should take time anyway.
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Lots of supportive ladies in here. I think they’re all right. Completely restricting yourself of those goodies just means you’ll want them that much more. A healthy balance like Katy said is the right way to go.
Conversely though: I renewed my health/workout regime with a gentle body cleanse of a strict but healthy diet (nothing with preservatives, no sugar, salt, flour or anything). At first you’re at a loss for what to prepare, but you soon discover through the week that healthy foods give your body so much more energy and you feel so much lighter when you don’t have heavy/processed foods weighing you down. I pretty much lived on unsalted nuts, seeds, veggies, fruits, rice. I just finished my cleanse and had my first pastry today and I felt a little strange afterward. Your body knows what’s best for you and once you start giving it what it needs, you’ll start craving those good foods. Like Katy and her loving going to the gym!
The yoga and meditation will really help. Focus on loving yourself and thinking about how beautiful you are inside and out! Because you totally are.
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Am I allowed to “WOO!”? I would like to “WOO!”
I’m going to do it! You can’t stop me!!
WOO!
I broke my scale in the spring. I picked it up to move it, it slipped & dropped and that was it. And I haven’t missed it at all. Caring for yourself is so much more than weigh ins, and I’m so glad you’re looking at your whole picture =)
Oh no! I’m going to do it again! It’s just bubbling up! I- I- I-
WOO!! =)
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Good. For. You.
That’s all I got!
Oh, and good luck.
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your post title caught my eye on My Blonde Reality’s blog. We all need a fresh start now and then for whatever reason. Food is a hard thing to manage, no matter thin or heavy you are. I’m hypoglycemic,and I KNOW BETTER!! but I just ate a huge bowl of ice cream tonight because it looked tasty, was the low fat kind and I was starving. Why???? it still had sugar!! Now I’m feeling like I have the flu, chills, fever, sick to my stomach, and my blood sugar is all over the map. I even did 40 min on the eliptical to try to work off some of the sugar. Tomorrow I’ll feel like I drank all night. No, the ice cream no longer looks good and I hate it! I can totally feel for you. I wish you the absolute best. Just remember to be good to yourself and give yourself little treats like a manicure, new lipstick, a book, set of notecards, just to feel special.
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OH MY GOD!!!! A kindred spirit from over here in the UK! You could have just documented my year so far! I met my boyf in May, now 20lb later (and lots of fun too I have to admit!!) I’m sick of hearing my whiney moaning about my fat butt and love handles so the lord only knows what he’s thinking!! But weighing myself every day, and seeing the figures yo-yo up and down by as much as 5lb in any one week! aren’t making me stop the emotional eating – lets not go down the purging route. So I’m in this with ya Sista – excuse my enthusiasm, just had my first coffee to wake myself up in work!, lets ditch the scales and start this as a life-plan – not a diet! Down with the D word!!!! xxxx
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Hi Sweetie,
This all sounds very sensible to me. I myself always find it too hard to meditate (way too much fluff fluffing around in my head), but yoga worked for me. Trying not to topple over whilst having one foot in the air, with your left arm waving above your head and the right arm wrapping around your waist will require so much concentration, you won’t have a spare brain cell to think about food. Or you’ll land flat on your face.
Keep on going to the gym! I just started doing that again. Will think of you when I see my own tomato red face in the mirror…
xx MM
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good for you! i am looking forward to hearing how this new approach makes you feel about your body. i have gone through many of the same patterns as you. it’s really inspirational to read your reflections. xoxo
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Have I mentioned before that I swear we’d be amazing friends if we lived closer? Because this post? It’s like looking in the mirror. I struggle with my weight too, for whatever reason and there are times where I stricly diet and other times where I binge. It’s not healthy, this I know. So like you, I’m making small changes. Not weighing myself a ton. Joined a new gym. Eating less and usually only when hungry. It’s working out so far. I’ll be cheering you on from the states! Hugs & good luck =)
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Awesome, weighing yourself all the time is no good, sure it helps but every week is excessive. I say weigh yourself in 3 months or so. Also remember lifting weights or strenth training is every bit as important than mere diet and cardio alone. That’s because if you lift weights (light ones even) your body burns more calories throughout the day and plus it helps you tone your body. I love the plan you have layed out. I would suggest you throw in some boxing into the mix as it will give you a great upper body workout and tone those arms and sides of the stomach.
The main thing is getting into a routine, it isn’t easy but you just have to find some motivation. I get up in the morning 4 times a week at 5:30 am and workout for an hour before I head out to work. Although groggy as I awake, I’m fully energized afterwards and ready to take on the world.
Good luck and love your blog!
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Good luck, you can do it
If you put your heart into it and believe in yourself, you can achieve anything. x
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I think that’s a good plan. I mean, I’d rather be 10 lbs over weight … okay, strike that, I am 10 lbs overweight (and incidentally,that’s 10 lbs more than when I got married in June!) … but I mostly eat health, I exercise 2 or 3 times a week, I try not to indulge too much (even though I had 3 cookies and 2 danishes today), and overall I’m happy and healthy.
So, good for you for doing this!
How are your health markers? Blood pressure, cholesterol, BMI. Cholesterol is something that is only checked once in your 20s/ early 30s, as a baseline. (And it’s not usually an issue for someone our age.) You can check your blood pressure easily at pharmacies with those self-checkers. BP is important to know. If those are fine, then you definitely have nothing to worry about. Just relax and enjoy life!
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reading this made me think of myself completely. It’s nice to know we aren’t alone in all this!
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Ugh. Battling with weight issues are of the suck. Been there many, many times myself.
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omg tht is soooooo my story.
and i really wanna change and hve started witht he exercise now i jst need the food bit under control and living ple who don’t give a shit abt their weight is hard as well cos the temptations are soooo many but i wish you all the luck in the world-perseverance is key!
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I’m glad you shared this with us! And GOOD FOR YOU!! You’re allowed to not look at the scale… just do your best at the things you mentioned, and you WILL feel better. I promise!
If you need anything or any support, let me know girly!
I’m here for you! Promise!
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Hi, I stopped by and fell in love with your blog, I’ll be back for more
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Hi I just stumbled across your blog and love it! I m now a follower. I totallyyy understand where you r coming from..I had twins that are 14months now and i was 145 when i got pregnant and shortly b4 i gave birth i was 215!!!!!! and no am like at 160-165. Its tough but hang in there if you need accountability we could help each other. I own my personal shopper business/fashion consulting and am currently having a giveaway at my blog http://la-mode-at-blogspot.com and its posted under giveaway…hopefully you will check out my blog. Ill be back!
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Hi again LOL…I just wanted to let you know that I gave you a blogger award so come over to my blog to pick it up! I think ur blog is creative and love it! http:la-mode-at.blogspot.com. Is the “kreativ” award
tk care !
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Http:..la-mode-at blogspot.com sorry! lol.
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Ok this is silly of me http://la-mode-at.blogspot.com THERE we go! LOL.
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Good luck!! For the record, I think you look FABULOUS, but I know it’s also about how you feel too (not just how you look). No more feeling guilty, just take it one day at a time. Too much pressure can cause one to crumble!
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You. are. amazing.
I know exactly how hard this struggle is… I’m kind of at the same place as you are. As I sat eating a bag of chips watching the Biggest Loser yesterday (feeling depressed because I didn’t have their motivation… or Jillian) I realized that something needed to change. I needed to change.
Whatever weight you are, or want to be, I think think you are an incredibly beautiful, talented, fashionable and strong person–as evident by your ability to be so honest here.
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This is amazing, thank you for sharing it…I have the same struggle and it freaking sucks! But you can do it, and you are beautiful and strong and we all support you.
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I hear you! Just found your blog and can’t peel myself away, such a great distraction from work – that is staring me down. I’m with you on the weightloss challenges, and getting fed up. It’s at that moment I can usually kickstart myself, again, for the 50th time this year. What I need help with is keeping motivated… I start to see small differences and that my pants no longer feel like they want to split open, and THEN I’m all like, whoohoo, let’s celebrate! With cake! And wine! And chocolate, because I’ve been good. Jeez, talk about sabotage! Anyways, I’m sure we both will get there, eventually. With some tasty rewards along the way
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