The Harshest Critic
For as long as I can remember, I have had a skewed perception of body image. I was probably in the second grade when I noticed my chubby little thighs. It was the third grade when a boy I had a silly crush on (who wasn't even that hot!) told me that I'd look a little bit better if I lost a little bit of weight, but otherwise I was very pretty. In the fifth grade a boy made fun of my arm hair, that night I went straight home and took a razor to them – they were hairless the next day.
It didn't help that I developed early as well. By the fifth grade I had breasts, small ones, but they were there, and my mother thought I was a little too young for a bra, until I came home crying. It all started when I was wearing a t-shirt to class, and had a presentation to do, and while I was up there people were snickering about something. When I sat back to my desk my friend told me that my shirt was kinda see-thru, and I went home crying at lunch and yelled at my mom who then was forced to buy me a sports bra.
Along with breasts, I grew what is known as 'child-bearing hips', which made pants buying unbearable – I mean, what fifth grader do you know that has to wear size 29 jeans? It was horrible. When my classmates were still shopping in the kids section, I had to shop in the same section as my mom. It sucked. So bad.
As a child my parents always forced me to eat every last bite on my plate – no matter how much I wasn't hungry, no matter how much I hated it, or was sick to my stomach. I learned to hide food in tissue, clumped under the cushions of the dining chairs or stuffed into my pockets. I tried to diet since the fourth grade, eating very little, even trying smoking to 'stay thin', which would then lead to binging. I would binge on candy and sweets and chips and anything that in my head I thought of as 'forbidden'. I would then feel like shit about myself and feel more fat than ever.
My whole life has been this battle between food, and excercise, and a messed up perception of how to treat our bodies in a healthy manner.
If only someone had told me, eat until your full, excercise everyday, go out and do fun kid things like riding bikes and hiking and all that fun stuff instead of worrying about how 'fat' you are. Because truth be told, I wasn't the 'fat kid' in class, never. I was always tall, proportioned, and maybe 5 pounds too heavy, which could've easily been gone with me riding a bike somewhere.
Instead I grew up on 90210, idolized models and actresses, and my favourite Spice Girl was Posh. That's a lie, first it was Ginger, because she was hot and sexy, but then I fell out of love with her and into love with Posh. What's funny is that all these years I never thought of her as anorexically skinny, skeletal, or any crap they wrote in the papers. I thought she was gorgeous, thin, like I would love to be. Now when I see pictures of her, especially older ones from 99-02, I see how tiny and sickly she looked, with those bolted-on breasts, she looked like she should've been forcefed a meal or two.
It's weird how we see things.
Last year I spent 2 months excercising, eating healthy, and I lost 25 pounds. I felt great, I looked amazing and yet, it just wasn't enough for me. I felt like I could be thinner, that I wasn't small enough, not fit enough – but instead of continually going for it, I give up. I turn into this lazy, self-hating, loathing thing that thinks I will never get there… and slowly I gained all that weight back. Looking back at those pictures from last year, I wonder why I couldn't just be satisfied with what I accomplished. I looked great. What was I thinking?
I'm at another fork in the road now. I'm at the fork where I could get up, throw on my runners, and start eating healthy again, eating more vegetarian meals, chicken, fish – or where I could go down the path of self-loathing and just keep getting fatter and hating myself more and more for it everyday.
Why do we do this to ourselves? What is it about us as women that makes us so self-conscious, that has trouble seeing the good in front of us and never being satisfied with ourselves? I know in my heart that I am my own harshest critic. Now how do I stop?
xoxo
Fab Brunette
17 Responses to “The Harshest Critic”
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Fab Brunette loves cupcakes and Paris, high heels and pearls. Dreams of travel, cooks in Manolos, and writes with her heart.
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I love this post, mostly because those are some really good questions, and I’ve been asking myself that the whole life. I’ve written about my battles with anorexia a few times, and even though the tests and rehab clinics are over, I feel that you can’t ever really be “over” it, and there’s always that extra pound you want to lose. Bottom line, battles with yourself are always the hardest to win.
Hang in there though. I’ll be here for you!
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This is so true…we are our own WORST critics, and I dont know why. I developed early as well and to this day, I despise my boobs (see that’s healthy body talk…not so much) because they made me feel so self conscious growing up. I have struggled with being a dancer (ballet, not pole) but my latina body having other plans. Sometimes I wish we could see ourselves as others do, because I KNOW we are focusing on the negative when most everyone is focusing on the many, many positives. You are gorgeous inside and out girl and I know exactly how you feel. It takes a lot of strength to talk about this issue, so thank you for putting it out there.
XO, Liz
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I know all that too well… I have been like this as well when I was teenager. I only realize it was nonsence when I really put on weight after my daugher was born (!)
Right now I’m back on track, going to the gym, eating less… 10 more kg to lose and I will be fine.
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Oh sweetie,
I think most of us have been there at least once in their lives. Theoretically, you seem to know what to do (eat healthily, excercise). Time to put it into practice.
You are gorgeous and funny and loving and you bake the most beautiful cupcakes. Try not to forget why you can be proud on yourself – even if there’s a day or two where you are not as healthy and active as you planned. The important thing is not to beat yourself up and let your falling off the wagon drag you further down. You rock!
xx MM
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Hey Chica!
I was on my Blackberry last night when I read this, and had a hard time replying.
Girl, let me tell you this is exactly how I feel sometimes. I have lost a lot of weight since January, but I find myself slipping sometimes and gaining a pound here, three pounds there. Its so frustrating. You are right, we are our harshest critic. I too developed early. I was the tallest and most developed girl in all of my grades. Back then, I felt cautious. Now as a woman though, I embrace it. I love my curves and I believe that I’ve always felt pretty confident. Still though, I get down about myself sometimes. What woman doesn’t from time to time?
I think it all goes back to balance. Knowing that we are more than what our mirrors reflections can tell, is what its all about. Think about it. You for example, following your dreams to start your own business. Be your own boss, and live by your rules. As a mother, I’ve read your posts and I can tell you do an amazing job with your princess. As a woman and wife to be, you are your fiances backbone and biggest supporter. So you see, maybe mentally you don’t see yourself as a 10, but to the world you are. You’re a 12. This is the mentality that has helped me overcome my insecurities.
As for the diet, what helped me was to break down my overall goal weight into smaller attainable goals. Until little by little, I saw my goals being met. That and eating healthier.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us and remember you’re fabulous, don’t ever think otherwise.
XO, Stephanie
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Yeah, weight has been on my mind alot lately. I think I just need to step it up.
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Awww, sending you huge hugs! I can definitely relate to how you are feeling…It’s such a shame how weight can control our lives sometimes and make us become so overly critical of ourselves. Half the time it is just you who sees the faults and blemishes…to others you probably appear flawless!
Remember that you are beautiful and if you feel like you want to get healthy and work out do it for YOU and don’t pay attention to what the scale says. Just focus on how good it makes you feel.
And let me confirm that about the Spice Girls. I saw their Cavalli outfits like I mentioned in my last post…and geeeeze these girls are/were SO tiny! Just makes you think a little.
Don’t be so hard on yourself!
xoxo
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I feel the same way as you, 5 days out of 7. Not huge, but just bigger than I thought I would be. I look at pictures of myself from 3 years ago, 5 years ago, 8 years ago – and I wish I’d realised at the time how nice I looked – but I didn’t – and chances are, in 15 years’ time I’ll be looking back at myself from now and wondering the same thing.
On the two days of the week where I’m rational, though, I think the following: I’m a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, a worker, a woman, a cook, a (new!) dog owner, a graduate, a teacher… there are so many different parts to me – my appearance is really only one of these things – and so why do I let it take over?
These days we’ve all lost sight of what balance is – if you do a little of something sometimes it should be enough, whether saying no to an extra helping, or going out for a 10 minute run. No more self-loathing!!
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So true. Your story sounds eerily parallel to mine in so many ways. Mine has led me down paths that are painful to myself and more importantly-my family. It is a hard thing to work through. Good for you for realizing it and working through it.
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God, kids at school can be so cruel …..I once interviewed a ballerina (I’m a journalist) who had literally filed down her front teeth with a metal file because someone had told her they stuck out. Gah!
On the food thing, it’s such a complicated issue. I haven’t even tried to get near it on my blog, I’m just at the stage of admitting (at 40-something!) that I have a problem. Brave you for facing up to it and doing something healthy about it!
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Dear Fab Brunette,
I am very very new to your blog. So I don’t rly know you and hope I don’t overstep here….
First, I think you are super brave and awesome to post about these issues.
I’ve been thinking of a good A to your Qs, but honestly I don’t think you are asking the right questions. I mean, even your fork in the road… neither path seems good to me. In my life I’m very grateful to have found a 3rd possibility to my ‘problem’.
I decided to stop trying to lose weight. Not to self-loathe, gain more weight, but to accept my body for what it is and at the very least maintain my wt. I am curvy, womanly, and beautiful.
I started exercising consistantly bc the goal was HEALTH not weight loss. I think healthy eating (ok i’m not that healthy of an eater rly) and exercising in a balanced way may make you feel much better, but not if weight loss is the goal. Bc you may not ever like what the scale tells you.
I now feel way better about my body. I even dropped a pants size but the scale hasn’t changed. But, who the F cares about what a scale thinks anyway? It is about what YOU think about you! Stop beating yourself up. You are a beautiful woman with curves.
If your daughter grew up with the same issues you had, what would you tell her?
<3 Maria
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So I read this post last night, but I needed a bit of time to think about it…
My story is similar (mostly). I grew up with a demented self body image. I don’t understand, I was never overweight as a child. But I found myself really struggling with body image. So when I was in high school I became very anorexic.
Things have gotten better and I’m no longer anorexic, but I still struggle. I seem to think that even tho I wear a size 4 or 6, I am overweight.
If you’d like to chat further about this, my email is itsahero@gmail.com
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It’s so true. Women are their own harshest critics, and it SUCKS. In a big way.
I’ve been exactly where you were – lost some weight, looked good but didn’t see it nor paid attention when people complimented me and wanted to drop more.
Then I gained a few pounds and look back and think, DAMN.
It’s a vicious cycle that needs to be broken, but how?
I really do not know, as I still suffer from major body image issues (my sister thinks I have a bigger problem than I think I do).
My point is, you’re not alone. I’m sure you already knew this, but just a reminder. It sucks.
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We are definitely our own worst critics. Your journey to having a fucked-up self perception sounds all too familiar. (If fact, my last post was on the same topic.)It’s funny how logic has no place in these thoughts. I mean, I know that women in magazines and on TV are made-up and airbrushed, yet I find myself striving to meet an unattainable ideal of what constitutes beauty.
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Love this post, i always have issues on weight. It’s crazy, and I did idolize Victoria and all those thin models. It’s pretty sick. I went on a full on very restricted diet and binge=ing the next, I didn’t wanna ever go through it ever again. It makes me feel shitty.
You’re not alone, is all I can say. Let’s strive for that healthy balance
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I think I could have written this post! I had boobs in 5th grade. I shopped at The Limited & Express before my other friends could thanks to my hips, and ever since the first guy I loved broke up with me for someone skinner, I’ve been messed up about weight/my body image and more. It SUCKS.
What I am realizing, or trying to, is that with exercising a four to five times a week, watching what I eat, I will at the very least maintain my body weight and maybe lose some, too. My goal to lose: 10 pounds. My ideal: 15. Can I do it? Not sure, because like you I become a self-loather, would rather pout about it than have to work really hard for it and I know that’s bad. Not to mention all the insane amount of work, relationship maintenance and etc that is required.
I’m pretty sure if we lived in the same city we’d get along famously!
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I know all that too well… I have been like this as well when I was teenager. I only realize it was nonsence when I really put on weight after my daugher was born (!)
Right now I'm back on track, going to the gym, eating less… 10 more kg to lose and I will be fine.
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