Anyone who knows me understands completely when I say that I the definition of an undomesticated housewife. Not only do I technically suck at all things houselike, I also detest them down to my very soul. And yet, laundry must be washed and folded, dishes must be spotless, and floors must be swept – and who else to do it but a simple complex housewife such as myself?

I should also let you know that I detest the word ‘housewife’, for I am not married and there is no ring around my finger portraying an engagement, but as I am currently technically unemployed self-employed,  and I spend most my days at home blogging, twittering, playing studying, I am technically the ‘housewife’ in my current household situation. The word housewife also brings to mind the awful ‘eating bon-bons and watching soaps’ connotation, and I’m not sure where the cliché came from but it’s definitely a thorn in my side.

Things would be much easier if I had not been living with the dreaded twenty-something male and his daughter, the four-year-old Nintendo-DS-playing book-reading Princess. These creatures bring upon different messes there would normally not be – dirt on the floor? From the male’s work boots. Random Tinkerbell DVD in my closet? Princess. Wet towels on the floor? Male. Keys missing? Princess’ babies’ stroller. The biggest mess I make is my makeup case spread out on the bathroom counter and my tea pot in the kitchen – but I digress, I must deal with this mess just like many other ‘housewives’ all over the world do.

How do I do it? At times I’m not quite sure since I dread doing anything related to housework, but the first thing to do is always the same – always turn off the computer. The laptop. The cell phone. Stop twittering, stop blogging, stop g-chatting. But just wait until you finish this article! It doesn’t have to be for long – don’t fret! I find if I’m doing something I hate, doing it in small spurts actually is easier than doing it all at once – sounds a little crazy I know, you ask: isn’t it better just to be all done with it in one swoop? - hell no! Because you’ll spend two hours doing something you hate, something that actually doesn’t take that long, and you’ll start dragging every little thing along, wasting time, daydreaming, and you’d have wasted two hours slowly killing yourself. And then you won’t do it again for a looong time.

Then again, if you’re having a real ‘get go’ day – strap on those cleaning gloves and clean, clean, clean! If you’re in a cleaning mood that is, whereas I rarely am and therefore have this lazy guide to rely on.

Keeping house is a non-stop job. You cannot realistically clean once a week and be done with it. Counters need wiping, floors can get gross in certain areas, and bathrooms are a more than once a week job (unless you live by yourself and then God bless you!).

First I’ll throw in a load of laundry – that way something’s being done even when I’m not physically doing anything. And then I’ll make a tea. I’ll allow my piping hot tea to cool down and I’ll clean off and wipe down all the kitchen counters, do dishes or throw them in the dishwasher. Then I will sit and sip my tea, and perhaps read a book or a magazine.

Music also helps. Sometimes I love cleaning with music, sometimes I don’t, but it’s definitely easier to clean with a bit of bounce in your step – whatever you do, don’t turn on the tv especially if you’re a distractoid like me – I’ll get sucked in for 30 minutes and marvel at the time well badly wasted.

Next I’ll do the bathrooms – I have two and doing it in one swoop is easier – same products, two toilets, two sinks, finito. If you have a male living in your house, please pay proper attention to the toilet bowl and floor around the toilet bowl. If neglected it can become a bacterial frathouse under there – I do the vomit test. (No! No! Don’t actually vomit!)

Imagine you got sick and you had to vomit, would you feel comfortable sitting at the base of your toilet, grabbing it and resting your head on it? If you have a male in the house, probably not, unless he sits down to pee…which is a whole different story – CLEAN IT. When I was pregnant I dealt with a LOT of toilets, and if you’ve never been pregnant attempt to recall a night where you drank just a wee too much and spent the night in the bathroom. Yeah. Remember that.

After the bathrooms are done I might catch up on Twitter. Sip some more tea. Ready to do more?

Check if the laundry is done, if so throw it in the dryer (or hang if you’re eco-consciously inclined) and throw in another load if necessary. This is where you learn my dirty little secret. I don’t do my bed until it’s noon. Mornings I’m rushed, I sleep in a tad too late, run around trying to get myself and my daughter ready, and stumble out of the house leaving it a somewhat wreck. But as soon as I get home I’ll do my little routine and I’ll do the bed. Tidy the room. Then jump into the kidlet’s room and tidy a bit there too. It’s seriously not a big deal to get a kids room spotlessly clean, because by the end of the day it’ll be a circus again, but ensuring that the kid helps clean up is a must – you are not her maid, you just clean the house.

Are you tired? Usually by this point I get kinda bored with the whole cleaning thing. Think about it, we’re almost done. The kitchen sparkles, the bathroom smells good, the bedrooms have beds made – we’ve left the living area and hallway last (I seriously pity you if you have many more rooms to clean, if so hire someone to do it or make your kid clean with you.). So I might make another tea. See if anyone @fabbrunette’d me on twitter.

And then I’ll dust one last time in the living areas, grab my broom and sweep the whole house as quick as I can. I might pull out the Swiffer WetJet on some extremely yucky areas. And guess what? I’m done. My house is clean, laundry needs to be folded and I’m done. For maybe five whole minutes I can feel proud of my house, going from room to room, imagining a magazine feature being shot -

But do you know what happens next? The male gets home and brings his dirty shoes inside, throws wet towels on the floor, I need to salvage something for dinner if not ringing up for takeout which causes destruction in the kitchen, and the Princess at this point has strewn her toys all over the house and I send her on a search and rescue mission before we go back to sleep.

And please, don’t get down on yourself at all, you must put the perfectionista act away. You’re never going to get anywhere trying to be perfect – if you don’t get to the whole house – so what? Finish it tomorrow or whenever you get a spare five minutes. If the bathroom isn’t perfect or you didn’t get to sweep, it’s honestly not a big deal. Be a big girl, chin up, and say I am good enough, this is good enough. Sometimes being perfect is what stops us from doing anything at all, if you can’t get it perfectly clean or if everything is not put away, what’s the point of doing it at all? You DESERVE a tidy home, even if there’s Cheerios under the fridge or dust in the corner, just do what you can and declare it GOOD ENOUGH. Now smile Because you’ll have to do it again in one or two or maybe three days if you’re lucky.

It truly is a never ending cycle this housewife business, and I do not wish it on any of you. But it is a reality that many of us deal with – and this isn’t hardly scratching the surface – some of the real housewives (and I don’t mean the ones on TV) actually have schedules, meal plans, extra-curriculur activities – it really is a demanding job.

And I realise that most people have jobs to go to – shift work, day jobs, night jobs – but the easiest thing to do is break it up in five minute segments – we all have five minutes to spare. Clean a bathroom in five minutes. Go to work. Come home and clean the kitchen for five minutes. But don’t stress, don’t try to put on the perfect housewife act, just do your best and clean what you can. That’s the best we can all do. Happy cleaning!

xoxo

Fab Brunette